Turn that pain into power

          Îţi laşi sufletul în fiecare loc în care inima ta a bătut mai repede, sau în care ţi s-a tăiat respiraţia, sau în momentele când încerci să chemi în tăcere pe cineva de care îţi e dor...

            Când nici măcar acea primă poză, cu nişte trandafiri albi, nu mai are puterea să-ţi amintească de momentul în care nici frunzele nu mai îndrăzneau să cadă într-o noapte târzie de toamnă... Rămân, în schimb, mărturii al timpului trecut, atestări ale amintirilor şi a bucăţilor din tine lăsate fie în locuri specifice, fie în grija altora.

            Îţi spui în sinea ta ca nu poţi să condamni oamenii pentru ceea ce simt şi crezi în asta, accepţi asta, dar la sfârşitul zilei tot nu înţelegi... Nu te înţelegi pe tine cum încă nu-ţi dai pace, nu îi înţelegi pe ceilalţi cum au putut să facă promisiuni, doar ca să aleagă ce e mai uşor. Nu înţelegi cum poţi fi, de fapt... cum eşti de fiecare dată prea mult, dar niciodată îndeajuns. Ce să înţelegi, când laşi măştile jos după lupte crâncene cu raţiunea ta, doar ca să găseşti munţi ce nu vor să fie escaladaţi... de tine cel puţin. Ei bine, înţelegi că nu e lupta ta şi că ar trebui să mergi mai departe. Totuşi, cum faci una ca asta, când ţi-ai trimis deja sinele în vârf?!

            Eşti tot ce ai şi oricât încearcă lumea să-ţi inducă faptul că e ok să simţi asta... nu e. Da, eşti mai singură ca niciodată, dar nu aşa ar fi trebuit să te simţi în permanenţă. Well, este în regulă să-ţi pui încrederea în oamenii în care crezi că merită, dar nu-i poţi condamna dacă nu îţi rămân alături. Acelaşi principiu se aplică şi aici, în fond.

              Te consumă... speranţa, gândul că poate o să fie mai bine, că poate chiar îi e dor de tine, că poate chiar îi lipseşti, că poate momentul ăla încă îl bântuie şi pe el, că poate regretă măcar una din multele decizii ce v-au adus în stadiul actual. Ţi-ai spus în sinea ta că o să lupţi pentru a-l păstra în viaţa ta... lacul ţi-a fost martor când îţi spuneai că merită. Naivo...

              ,,Şi voi scrie adânc în inimi, după veacuri de mizerii/ Că-n iubirea fără margini, este marginea durerii.''

Scandal

,,I want you to know, I need you to know, not choosing me is okay. I can’t allow you to make me play secondary field.I can’t allow you to trick me into being as much as a inconvenient to you. I want to be a priority (Liv), I won’t settle to be just an endless circle of you having me when you can’t have anyone else.’’ – Jake

,,I’ve wondered what’s wrong, and I found out. This is my life. That’s what’s wrong. You didn’t showed up... for me. You left me hanging and I had to do everything myself! I’m alone here... We’re supposed to be parteners. We’re supposed to be in this together. If you knew the sacrifices that I made, the things I have given up and the pieces of myself that I have given away for you... and you treated me this way. You make me beg for scraps, when I have done nothing but fight for you. You don’t have to love me. I think that we are in this hell togeher, and the flames are burning both of us with equal intensity, so the least you could do is show up... for me! Instead of being like some stranger.’’ – Mellie

,, Just make sure she loves you. If she loves you... she can be any kind of tornado she wants.'' - Fitz

,,I think it eats you until you’re not you anymore, until you’re lost, until you can’t rememeber who you were, until you forget yourself, and all you can see is the greater good. All you can see is God, and love. You’re so busy loving him, you forget to be a person.’’ – Olivia

,,You screwed up, again. You put me in a position where I had to defand myself, again; where I had to bend my morals, again; where I have to go against every single thing that I believe in! Again!’’ – Olivia

,,What else do you need? What service can I rander you today? Am I here to strike your ego? Am I your cheerleader? Am I here to wipe your tears? Am I your nanny? Am I here to fight the bullies? Maybe I’m here to make you feel good. Maybe I’m your dealer, or maybe I;m here to makke you feel hot and manly, and ready... So you can forget at least for a second about your life. Is that what I am?

What else am I supposed to be? I lie in bed every night, and I play our relationship over and over in my head, like a movie. We meet, we fall in love, we can’t stop ourselves, we’re meant to be I give up eveything inside me and then it stops. The movie just stops. I don’t know how it ends.’’ – Olivia

"I am not a toy you can play with when you're bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me!" — Olivia

,,Nothing you tell yourself will save you from the truth.’’ – Eli Pope

,, It’s me. Nothing would’ve happened... None of it would be happening if it weren’t for me. The only common denominator is me. I’m the center. I’m the eye of the storm. This is me doing what I do best, I’m handing this, I’m fixing this. I have been over every option, I have looked at it from every angle, and I have hoped, and prayed that I was wrong. I have tried to pretend that I didn’t know what the answer is, but I do. So, now it’s time for me to stand in my truth. It’s me. I’m the thing that needs to be fixed. I’m the thing that needs to be handled.’’ – Olivia

,, You can keep as quite as you like, but one of these days, somebody is going to find you.’’ – Cyrus

,,You can’t be breaked, and that’s a relief to me, because I cannot disappoint you. I cannot hurt you more than I already have. I cannot destroy your image of me or break your heart, or damage your soul. You don’t believe in me, so... I have nothing in you to break. I am on no pedestals, You see me for what I am... a filthy monster desperately trying to hold on to the last shreades of its humanity, You... are a good person. I’m not promising much, but I’ll promise this: I... may not do it well, but I will do my best to be your someone. So, you’re not alone.’’ – Jake

,,It only feels like a misstep at first, a compromise, a concession to reality, a bad move well-played. But at some point, you’re only going in that direction. By the time you realize how far down that path you are, you’re lost. Everything is unrecognizable. You are unrecognizable to yourself. You find yourself doing things you never thought you’d do in ways you never thought you’d do them to save things you’re not even sure you want to save, but you can’t help it. That’s when you’re done.’’ – Olivia

,,You have to be... twice as good as them to get half of what they have.’’ – Eli Pope

Letter to my maybes

- ,, I’m afraid that you will be too scared when the time comes. I’m afraid that you will stop searching for me when I will need you to stand up and fight. I’m afraid... that you will become just a maybe or my biggest what if, and I, I will be just another name on your list.’’

-,,But, I choose to be blind when it comes to you.’’

She played this version of themselves over and over in her head, thinking and wondering what went wrong, what did she do, how come that they are as distant as not speaking to each other anymore.

She, then goes back to a cold autumn night in a lonely park having but the moon to witness their hug, and trying with all her being to remember that feeling of sharing her soul, and trying to touch another.

Reality kicks in, and reality shows her that moments like that, even if they can change her life, they can mean nothing to the one she trusted enough to let it. She flew to make her dream come true, and while she was there he choose so open up to the one that was nothing like her, the exact opposite...

Of course she blames herself, but again she can’t undestand what had happened. She gets sick and tired to wait aroud for something that’s never going to happen.

And all of a sudden, someone reminds her of who she is, that she doesn’t trust easily – and you can see that in the distance she creates between herself and everyone around her. She has millions of chaotic galaxies of thoughts, thousands of tangled up worlds and words and places in her mind, and you can see it in the way her eyes always seem lost, like they are somewhere else. She always wants to be somewhere else, it shows in the way she’s always rushing and moving, the way she’s always restless. Life never went easy on her, and she didn’t go easy on herself either. She is strong and you can see it in her eyes, you can sense it in her voice. She believes that her body can physically rebuild and heal itself. I think that’s because she new how to recover by herself after life had broken her. She knows how it’s like to be under-appreciated. So if you can’t see the beauty in her quirks, if you don’t think that maybe she might be a little piece of magic, don’t you dare and say she is just a girl;

When daylight ends

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I barely recognise myself. I run my hands through my curls, I run my fingers across my lips, and it feels like I am touching a stranger. I have said and done things that I never thought I would without hesitation, and it felt like I was just a bystander.

No matter what all the fucked up, popular quotes say, I don't believe that anyone ever finds themselves entirely. I don't think that anyone ever will make sense of everything that is inside their being.

And as scary and terrible it sounds, I think that's as beautiful as it is magical. We are all shores, and we all change everytime the ocean of life touches us, no matter how briefly. 

Maybe we are not the destination; perhaps we are the roads which go endlessly changing with time.

Maybe it is not about finding yourself. Maybe it is about being a puzzle of too many beautiful moments linked with a tragic sense of nostalgia.

The point is that it isn't just death that we have to grief... It's life, it's loss, it's change, it's that moment when you know you fucked up. And the moment when you fucked up it's probably the one where everyone does... You waited... for him, for her, for someone, anyone to be there. You waited for your hope to become stronger while forgetting that you're the fire that lights up evey sparkle of hope.

Went through friends

Am fost acolo.

Când nu te mai recunoşteai, când nu mai ştiai cine eşti, când îţi era frică de ce zace în tine.

Am fost acolo.

Când împărţeam un moment pe malul unui lac, când nu găseai un sens fără ea, când nu înţelegeai de ce trebuie să simţi golul ăla în stomac când te gândeşti la viaţă şi viitor.

Am fost acolo.

Când nici ţie nu-ţi era clară limita dintre sacrificii şi iubire, când ai ales ignoranţa şi distanţa să-ţi dicteze viaţa, când nu înţelegeai cum de ai ajuns în situaţii care îţi chinuie sufletul atât de mult.

Ce ar fi trebuit să fac? Mereu m-am simţit blocată. Niciodată nu m-am putut întoarce în trecut, niciodată n-am ştiut unde sunt şi cu atât mai puţin nu am ştiut vreodată încotro mă îndrept.

Într-o lume dominată de lupta dintre raţiune şi sentimente, singura ta datorie era să fii acolo, în felul tău, cu modul tău de a fi... şi fără orgoliu. Da, fără orgoliu, pentru că cine sunt, ceea ce mă lupt în fiecare zi să devin trebuia să fie îndeajuns pentru prietenia noastră; pentru că eu, ca om, ar fi trebuit să primez înaintea foloaselor de care te-ai fi putut tu folosi.

Eram acolo...

În toate momentele în care puteai fi sincer cu mine şi ales să nu o faci, doar din orgoliu. Când puteai să fii acolo pentru mine la rându-ţi. Când puteai să nu judeci. Când ai ales vanitatea în detrimentul binelui şi al sincerităţii.

Eram acolo...

În momentul în care aveam nevoie să demonstrezi că prietenia noastră contează. Când ai ales o oarecare să devina ţinta tuturor energiilor tale, fără să-ţi pese de 7 ani.

Eram acolo...

Când ai lăsat istoria să se repete.

Visez adesea la idealul acela al prieteniei... E un vis atat de viu, ce pare atât de aproape încât de multe ori am crezut că îl trăiesc. De multe ori am fost naivă.