sâmbătă, 9 decembrie 2017

Letter to my maybes

- ,, I’m afraid that you will be too scared when the time comes. I’m afraid that you will stop searching for me when I will need you to stand up and fight. I’m afraid... that you will become just a maybe or my biggest what if, and I, I will be just another name on your list.’’

-,,But, I choose to be blind when it comes to you.’’

She played this version of themselves over and over in her head, thinking and wondering what went wrong, what did she do, how come that they are as distant as not speaking to each other anymore.
She, then goes back to a cold autumn night in a lonely park having but the moon to witness their hug, and trying with all her being to remember that feeling of sharing her soul, and trying to touch another.
Reality kicks in, and reality shows her that moments like that, even if they can change her life, they can mean nothing to the one she trusted enough to let it. She flew to make her dream come true, and while she was there he choose so open up to the one that was nothing like her, the exact opposite...
Of course she blames herself, but again she can’t undestand what had happened. She gets sick and tired to wait aroud for something that’s never going to happen.

And all of a sudden, someone reminds her of who she is, that she doesn’t trust easily – and you can see that in the distance she creates between herself and everyone around her. She has millions of chaotic galaxies of thoughts, thousands of tangled up worlds and words and places in her mind, and you can see it in the way her eyes always seem lost, like they are somewhere else. She always wants to be somewhere else, it shows in the way she’s always rushing and moving, the way she’s always restless. Life never went easy on her, and she didn’t go easy on herself either. She is strong and you can see it in her eyes, you can sense it in her voice. She believes that her body can physically rebuild and heal itself. I think that’s because she new how to recover by herself after life had broken her. She knows how it’s like to be under-appreciated. So if you can’t see the beauty in her quirks, if you don’t think that maybe she might be a little piece of magic, don’t you dare and say she is just a girl;

luni, 28 august 2017

When daylight ends

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I barely recognise myself. I run my hands through my curls, I run my fingers across my lips, and it feels like I am touching a stranger. I have said and done things that I never thought I would without hesitation, and it felt like I was just a bystander.

No matter what all the fucked up, popular quotes say, I don't believe that anyone ever finds themselves entirely. I don't think that anyone ever will make sense of everything that is inside their being.

And as scary and terrible it sounds, I think that's as beautiful as it is magical. We are all shores, and we all change everytime the ocean of life touches us, no matter how briefly. 

Maybe we are not the destination; perhaps we are the roads which go endlessly changing with time.
Maybe it is not about finding yourself. Maybe it is about being a puzzle of too many beautiful moments linked with a tragic sense of nostalgia.

The point is that it isn't just death that we have to grief... It's life, it's loss, it's change, it's that moment when you know you fucked up. And the moment when you fucked up it's probably the one where everyone does... You waited... for him, for her, for someone, anyone to be there. You waited for your hope to become stronger while forgetting that you're the fire that lights up evey sparkle of hope.

vineri, 21 aprilie 2017

Went through friends

Am fost acolo.
Când nu te mai recunoşteai, când nu mai ştiai cine eşti, când îţi era frică de ce zace în tine.
Am fost acolo.
Când împărţeam un moment pe malul unui lac, când nu găseai un sens fără ea, când nu înţelegeai de ce trebuie să simţi golul ăla în stomac când te gândeşti la viaţă şi viitor.
Am fost acolo.
Când nici ţie nu-ţi era clară limita dintre sacrificii şi iubire, când ai ales ignoranţa şi distanţa să-ţi dicteze viaţa, când nu înţelegeai cum de ai ajuns în situaţii care îţi chinuie sufletul atât de mult.
Ce ar fi trebuit să fac? Mereu m-am simţit blocată. Niciodată nu m-am putut întoarce în trecut, niciodată n-am ştiut unde sunt şi cu atât mai puţin nu am ştiut vreodată încotro mă îndrept.
Într-o lume dominată de lupta dintre raţiune şi sentimente, singura ta datorie era să fii acolo, în felul tău, cu modul tău de a fi... şi fără orgoliu. Da, fără orgoliu, pentru că cine sunt, ceea ce mă lupt în fiecare zi să devin trebuia să fie îndeajuns pentru prietenia noastră; pentru că eu, ca om, ar fi trebuit să primez înaintea foloaselor de care te-ai fi putut tu folosi.
Eram acolo...
În toate momentele în care puteai fi sincer cu mine şi ales să nu o faci, doar din orgoliu. Când puteai să fii acolo pentru mine la rându-ţi. Când puteai să nu judeci. Când ai ales vanitatea în detrimentul binelui şi al sincerităţii.
Eram acolo...
În momentul în care aveam nevoie să demonstrezi că prietenia noastră contează. Când ai ales o oarecare să devina ţinta tuturor energiilor tale, fără să-ţi pese de 7 ani.
Eram acolo...
Când ai lăsat istoria să se repete.
Visez adesea la idealul acela al prieteniei... E un vis atat de viu, ce pare atât de aproape încât de multe ori am crezut că îl trăiesc. De multe ori am fost naivă.

duminică, 12 februarie 2017

You tried to change, didn't you?

''And you tried to change didn't you?! Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake... You can't make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that. And if he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love.''
- Warsan Shire

Do you ever get this feeling that this life isn't yours?! That you have no control? That everyone around you is living and you're just breathing, watching, waiting. For what?

Here's the thing about people with good hearts. They give you excuses when you don't explain yourself. They accept apologies you don't give. They see the best in you when you don't need them to. At your worst, they lift you up, even if it means putting their priorities aside. The world "busy" does not exist in their dictionary. They make time, even when you don't. And you wonder why they're the most sensitive people. You wonder why they're the most caring people. You wonder why they are willing to give so much of themselves with no expectation in return. You wonder why their existence is not so essential to your well-being. It's because they don't make you work hard for the attention they give you. They accept the love they think they've earned and you accept the love you think you're entitled to. Let me tell you somethig. Fear the day when a good heart gives up on you. Our skies don't become grey out of no where. Our sunshine does not allow the darkness to take over for no reason. A heart does not turn cold unless it's been treated with codness for a while.

duminică, 22 ianuarie 2017

Trăieşti pentu luptă când e tot ce ai

De curând am dat peste un citat care spunea să lupţi pentru iubire, dar să nu lupţi ca să arăţi că meriţi, căci tocmai... meriţi mult mai mult de atât. Aşa simplu să fie?!
Sunt momente în care nu mai ştiu pentru ce lupt sau măcar dacă mai lupt, iar asta mi se datorează.
Poate în loc de munţi, ar fi cazul să escaladezi ziduri; propriile-ţi ziduri care te împiedică să vezi că te aştept.Poate ar fi cazul să laşi visele egoiste pentru vise în doi, unde s-ar împlini mult mai multe.
Şi de-ar fi să rămâi blocat în ziduri sau prins în fantezii străine de propria-ţi viaţă să ştii că încerc... să ştii că am încercat...
Nu lăsa tăcerea să vorbească mai tare decât sufletul... n-ar fi corect.
Ajungi atât de singur uneori, încât începe să aibă sens. Evident că are sens. Laşi să se întâmple asta pe când frustrarea mea înfundată în regret se limitează la pagini scrise, în pahare de vin şi taste ce încearcă să capete un sens (sau să găsească un sens - măcar ele).
Poate alerg prea mult după viaţă, poate nu ştiu să fiu.
- O cheie, infinit şi o bufniţă.